


Goodbye, Lexie

by threepios



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Slexie man, tw: ptsd/shootings/depression/tramua
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29207682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threepios/pseuds/threepios
Summary: Lexie Grey reminisces her life and how it led to her final moments.
Relationships: Lexie Grey/Mark Sloan
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18





	Goodbye, Lexie

**Author's Note:**

> They are literally the most painful ship to ever ship.

“ _ You’re an intern, why’re you talking to me? _ ”

The words had been said with so much distaste that Lexi recalled grimacing. His piercing blue eyes drilled holes into her when he glanced up from his work. His jaw clenched with irritation and bitterness caused his shoulders to tense. At the time, Lexie never took in his looks, how honey sweet his voice was. No, no, George was her main priority back then. She had desired to be in George’s arms. 

Sometimes Lexie would lay awake at night, staring at her ceiling in her sister’s home, hands rested peacefully on her stomach. She wondered on those lonely nights, how much her life would change if she had desired Mark Sloan then and there. If, instead of the only person who spared her a glance, Mark had been the man she loved from the very beginning, would she have saved herself from more pain? Or would they still be ill fated when that 18-year-old came stumbling into their lives with her own piercing blue eyes? 

Mark hadn’t treated her like the rest of the women in the hospital (which was probably due to the fact that Derek and Meredith had warned him against putting  _ Little Sloan in Little Grey _ (that conversation still made Lexie cringe)). He had been nervous, taking shaky steps around her, unwilling to take the first steps. Mark would pay her compliments, they were soft and delicate, approached like a lonesome flower in the middle of a field. They addressed her technique, her focus, and -- on a good day, when he forgot about his promise to his best friend -- her looks. He had made her feel like she was seen. Because most of Lexie’s life, she had been invisible. 

_ You’re an intern _ .

Those words had been shot her way many times before. Whether it was from Cristina or Meredith (who hated her for a better part of her intern year). Lexie was nothing more than an intern. She would run labs, grab coffee, do rectal exams. That was the one constant in her life while the rest seemed to crumble around her. Oh, how quickly she would run to that vulnerable girl now and tell her to turn back-- don’t go searching for your sister, don’t move in with George, don’t stay with your father,  _ don’t fall in love with Mark Sloan _ . 

Falling in love with Mark was one of the worst things the universe had thrown at her. All her life she had had flings, sneaking glances and sharing kisses under the bleachers during gym, but she had never quite felt the way Mark had made her feel. It was exhilarating, it was new, it was  _ catastrophic _ . It had left Lexie Grey bleeding out on the ground, murmuring for a crash cart, grasping her chest as a sharp pin cut her aorta. An aortic tear was something not a lot of people recovered from. There was a large chance that you would die, that you would end up six feet under with a picture next to a casket as people who hardly knew you mourned. Breaking up with Mark felt just like that.

Standing in the apartment they had shared, staring into his eyes as he desperately tried to have family and Lexie at once. She had watched the cogs inside his mind turning as he tried to grasp the true concept of family. Late nights of lying with each other, whispers of their past, sky blue meeting grass green, he’d admit that his parents left him alone most nights. Mark had never had the luxury of family, his parents never held him after a nightmare, his father never took him fishing, and they never gave him “the talk”. At a young age he had to live his life independently, little Mark Sloan had to watch his mother’s casket lowered into the ground. Alone. His father stood on the other side, mourning. 

That’s why he had grasped so quickly at the chance for family, why he had told Sloan so quickly he could stay with them. He didn't want to see himself end up as his own father, drunk on the Lazyboy as he called out answers to  _ Jeopardy! _ Instead of watching Mark live his life. 

As proud as Lexie was, as thrilled as she was for Mark for growing, she'd never place herself in the puzzle of the Sloan family. She was like that one piece you found from a previous puzzle, trying to place it in the wrong area but it’d never fit. Ultimately, you would throw it out. 

“ _ Don’t make me choose between you and her. _ ”

Desperation was clear in his voice, tears glittering in his eyes, his jaw twitching. Soon as Lexie had heard those words, she knew a chapter of her life-- a beautiful chapter that had made her so happy, that had her gasping for air, leaving her wanting to touch his hand-- was coming to close. She had searched his eyes, hoping that when she asked her next question, that when these bitter words tumbled from her lips-- he would choose her. That Mark would pick her. 

“ _ Why? Because you’ll choose her? _ ”

“ _ Yeah _ .”

Lexie could recall her heart dropping from her chest. For a moment, she thought she could have angina. That maybe she had a heart disease because this pain made her want to curl up and hide forever. She froze in that moment, standing across from him, trying to process how in five minutes had their relationship ended. Lexie wanted to reach out, to grap that stupid black sweater, pull on it and beg him to pick her, to love her. She felt foolish, she felt like a joke.

She hardly recalled pressing a numb kiss against his lips and leaving, muttering that she would return for her belongings later. 

The worst moment in her life. It ranked up there with her mother dying, alongside when her father smacked her across the face, claiming her to be an ungrateful bitch, or even when Cristina announced to a lunch room that Meredith hated her. Lexie’s life was full of embarrassments, of hate, loneliness. Lexie believed she was no one. She would look in the mirror and just saw a woman who was drifting between life and death. 

That’s probably why she had decided to dye her hair. 

She had been in that store, collecting items for Meredith’s fridge and pantry when she saw the dye. Lexie stared and stared and stared. Until she finally reached out and tossed it in the cart. She wanted change, she wanted people to look at her and see someone else. She wanted to erase Lexie Grey, the one that Mark had been so in love with-- the one he had tossed aside so quickly, the one he couldn’t bear to look at and become someone new.

She’d never dyed her hair before, she hadn’t known what to do. In all honesty, she had been in autopilot mode until she was rinsing it out in the shower. The message from everyone at work had been different than what she expected. They whispered, they eyed her oddly, even Jackson made a comment about “Sloan must’ve done real damage to your self esteem”. It hadn’t helped that Mark hit on her. She had become the type of woman that Mark would sleep with after one glance at her back.

Lexie was so desperate for change that, when it came, she hadn’t known what to do. 

That terrible, horrible, anxiety inducing change. 

_ That  _ day had been so normal. Mark had questioned her about her relationship with Alex, if it was true love or if they were a fling, she gave him that flat look that had become familiar in the past three weeks, then _ it _ happened. Life had blurred, her mind finally couldn’t keep up. For the first time in Lexie’s life, her mind could no longer recall that moment. 

The moments that came afterwards though, would be ingrained forever. 

She was dragged by Mark, his arms secured around her waist. Lexie’s eyes were stuck on the warm blood that slapped against her pale hands as Mark threw her to the ground, covering her body with his. At the time, she hadn’t realized he used himself as a human shield just so she would be safe. Lexie had been too focused on the nurse she had talked to moments before on the ground, a tiny hole on her forehead that exploded into a deep wound at the back. Dead. She was dead. Vivian had died right before Lexie’s eyes.

Her once smiling face now slack, eyes vacant as they stared directly into Lexie’s soul.

Dead. Dead. Gone. 

That day. That day was the worst day of her life. She had stared down the barrel of Gary Clark’s gun as he announced her had come to kill her. That everyone in the hospital (the 17 people taken by him) had suffered because he wanted to take Lexi Grey’s life. 

She had never accepted death before, she had never needed to accept that she was about to die. But as his finger caressed the trigger, two thoughts ran through her. ‘ _ I’m going to die. _ ’ and ‘ _ Mark doesn’t know I still love him. _ ’

Even after all that, even as Mark held her on that curbside while Teddy Altman sat in the ambulance with Alex, even as he whispered that everything would be fine, holding onto him as they trembled-- Lexie couldn’t say it. She sobbed and sobbed. She had tried to reason with death, try to understand why life had burdened her. Instead of trying to gather his own wits, Mark helped her gather hers. She had never seen Mark shake before. 

When she was admitted to psych, she had slept for 50 hours. Two whole days of her life were spent sleeping. Meredith had been by her side, her hands tightly clasped in hers. Lexie had woken up, rather surprised when she saw Mark. He was leant forward, he had her hand in his, leaning his forehead against them. Lexie teared up, feeling ashamed of her actions in the ER. She had made a fool of herself. She had an outburst, she had hurt a patient (not physically of course). 

But Lexie was _ terrified _ of her mind. 

Her photographic memory had never been more of a burden. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Vivian, she could hear Alex as he screamed. Most importantly, she could Gary Clark pin this all on her. 

Lexie Grey had gotten 17 people killed. She was to blame. 

_ She was to blame. _

She wasn’t sure if it was a sob that caught Mark’s attention or the fact that she started shaking due to her thoughts. His eyes snapped upwards and he wore an odd expression on his face. Lexie clutched his hand as if she herself had been shot. She hoped that his presence would keep her there, inside of the doorknob-less room instead of stuck inside that boardroom with Alex’s blood stained on her hair. 

“ _ Lex, Lex, what’s wrong? _ ” 

His other hand stroked her forehead, his voice heavy with concern. Lexie couldn’t speak, she couldn’t look away. She was horrified at what would've happened if she didn’t stop. If her mind had to pause to fully process what she wanted to say. Mark just stroked her hair, his contact reminded her where she was. 

‘ _ This isn’t Gary Clark. This isn’t the boardroom. Alex is fine. You are fine. Mark is fine _ .’ It was a mantra constantly playing in her head. She wondered if Mark could hear her thoughts, did they bounce around inside his head too or would she forever deal with this alone.

“ _ Lexie, you’re okay. You’re just fine. _ ” 

‘ _ Lexie, you’re just fine. _ ’ Oh, how that would follow her around until the end of time. Constantly people would tell her that she was okay. Holly when their mother died, Meredith when she said that Lexie had a good life, Alex when he ultimately left her. Lexie’s life was not fine. She was not fine. Lexie had never been fine. It was simple: her mother had died from the hiccups, her father turned towards scotch for some comfort, her sisters left her to take care of him, she finds her estranged sister at the hospital she matched with, said sister hated her, she meets the only man who has loved her for her, man breaks up with her, Lexie’s alone.  _ Lexie was not just fine _ .

A week later she was signed off for surgery. Which Mark had strongly detested, barging into Dr. Perkins’ room and yelling at him for his ridiculous idea. She had never recalled him so angry, never seen that fire within his eyes as he pointed out Lexie was not okay for surgery. (It could possibly do with the fact that he had only been cleared a week earlier due to his constant freezing in the OR) He had met her eyes and deflated slightly, his jaw clenching shut as he watched her come to terms with everything. Lexie knew. She knew what everyone thought of her. 

She was crazy and, at this point, she was okay with that. 

His mouth pressed into a thin line. She wondered if that was the moment he decided to become her shadow. Lexie had to deal with him all day until she felt herself snap at the end of her shift. He had prevented her from getting into surgeries until Derek listened to her-- really listened. He hadn’t seen his sister-in-law as some crazy ranting PTSD ridden woman, instead he listened to her concerns. 

“ _ Lex _ ,” his voice had been soft, obviously leading to something much more. 

Lexie felt a spark of anger flare in her. Maybe if he had waited another day, if he had waited until she had a night's sleep, she would’ve listened. “ _ Did I forget to wash a bed pan? _ ”

“ _ No, Lexie-- _ ”

Lexie had twisted around, ignoring the glittering look in his eyes. The light that she would’ve recognized from their past. “ _ No,  _ Mark.  _ You were there when I was in a rough patch, I appreciate that, I do! I am trying to get out of that rough patch but you won’t let me. You keep pulling me back, you keep-you keep hovering around me! You are treating me like a basket case and everyone is watching you and-and they’re believing you! I had a good day today. I saved a girl today, I did  _ that _! I am a good doctor and I don’t deserve to be treated anything less than that. _ ” She had felt like an enormous weight lifted off her shoulders and she finally slouched, shaking her head-- eyes brimming with tears as she witnessed his face fall. Lexie pondered later that night if he had known how much his actions had affected her. “ _ So I want you to leave me alone. Can you do that? Can you leave me alone? _ ”

“ _ Yeah _ .”

And he did. The next day Lexie saw him kissing someone else, happily moving on from the woman that had obviously expressed no interest in him. She suddenly regretted everything. Lexie had truly lost Mark this time. 

Time passed. Life moved on-- or more specifically,  _ Mark moved on _ . Lexie tried, she wanted to move on from the man that had caused her nothing but heartache and pain but all of it came back to Mark Sloan. As if he was the center of the universe. Jackson couldn’t be with her because “something is going on between you and Sloan and I’m sacrificing my career for it. I can’t do that anymore.” 

Once again, Lexie Grey had been the second choice. 

She knew she had been foolish when she found herself on Mark’s doorstep with Zola on her hip. The little girl had helped her through some of her thoughts, she knew that if she didn’t build up the courage then Mark would move on with Julia. Perfect little Julia who loved perfect Mark. Perfect Julia who had looked Lexie in the eyes and said that you don’t pass up on a guy like Mark. As if Lexie didn’t know. 

Jackson had been there that night. Valentine's dinner had been so awkward and so forced but afterwards Mark had spoken to her. 

“ _ You said you wanted to talk? _ ” His eyes had been so soft, so warm. Lexie felt like she was sent back in time to her intern year when they would sneak into on-call rooms and share a passionate moment together. 

She looked down, shaking her head. “ _ Oh, n-no. I’m...yeah, I forgot. So-Sorry. _ ”

“ _ That’s fine, don’t worry. If you remember, don’t hesitate to call. _ ”

She had wanted to laugh in his face at that. Thing is, she had hesitated to call only hours ago. Lexie had paced back and forth as Zola played with her dolls, holding her phone in her hand like it was a gun. How much she wanted to tell him that she hesitated. That she was ready to say it now. Instead she gave him a smile and walked out the door with Zola. 

A month later she was walking up to him with wide eyes, shaking hands and a sweat collected on her brow. He was leaning against the cement slabs outside that had happy flowers, his eyes on his phone where he was most definitely talking with Julia. She took a moment to gaze at him, watching the sad smile twitching on his lips, and the way he seemed to slump. Lexie cleared her throat. For a moment, she was amused by the way he jumped, blinking at her. 

“ _ Hey, _ ” he greeted softly, looking surprised by her appearance. 

“ _ Hey, _ ” Lexie had greeted just as softly, watching him go back to his phone. “ _ Uh, thanks for-for letting me in on that surgery today. It was...thank you, for… y’know… _ ”

Mark barely glanced at her. “ _ Yeah, no problem. _ ”

_ Come on, Lexie. Come on. He’s right there.  _ She fumbled around for words to grasp onto. She hadn’t come here with a complete plan. Lexie just knew that she was going to say it. 

“ _ Thanks. _ ” She said instead. 

Mark seemed to notice the way her voice shook on the ends. He put his phone away and stood straight, looking at her with a frown of concern. “ _ You okay? _ ”

Lexie snapped. “ _ I love you! _ ” Both of them froze for very different reasons. Lexie wanted that moment to be private, maybe convince him to come to Joe’s for a discussion and then tell him that he was all she could think about, that she wished she were Julia. Lexie knew that all that went down the drain as soon as those words came out. She saw Mark’s face fall, eyes widened, jaw unhinged, she swore she heard his breath hitch.  _ There was no turning back now.  _ “ _ Oh God-- Oh my God that just… that just came fly- _ flying  _ out of my face. It was like so-some-some kind of-- I-I-I love you. I just-- I did it again! Uh, I-I love you. I-I do! I just-- I love you. And I have been trying not to say it. I have been trying  _ so hard  _ to mash it down, and to-to ignore it, and not say it! And Jackson-- _ ” Her arm flew out in the direction of the hospital which Mark followed with urgency. Lexie knew that he was probably lost in what was happening, that she was springing this on him so quickly. “ _ \--is a great guy. He is. He-He’s gorgeous and-and he’s younger than you and-and he doesn’t have any grandchildren or babies with his lesbian BFFs. And he liked me, you know? He  _ really  _ liked me. But it was never going to work out! Because I-I….I love you.  _ I’m so in love with you.  _ And you’re-you’re in me. It’s like- you’re like- it’s like you’re a disease. It’s like I’m infected by Mark Sloan! I just can’t-- I can’t think about anything or  _ anybody.  _ And I can’t sleep, I can’t  _ breathe _. And I-I love you-- I just love you all the time.  _ Every minute of every day.  _ I-I-I. Love. You. _ ”

Lexie let out a rush of air and grinned to herself, obviously proud of herself. She hardly saw the way that Mark’s face was contorted with conviction, the way he heaved a sigh. “ _ God! That feels good to-to-to just say it. I feel so much better! I just-- I love you! _ ” Lexie turned her attention back to him, her eyes to him and her face fell. He looked heartbroken. “ _ Mark? _ ”

“ _ Hey, Lexie, _ ” Lexie’s eyes snapped to Julia who walked up to the two. She obviously didn’t pick up on the tense air, the way Mark didn’t tear his eyes away from the woman who just confessed love to him, or the way Lexie’s face blanched with horror. While the woman questioned him about the parking lot, she slowly turned to meet Mark’s eyes. She suddenly regretted everything that came from her mouth. 

Mark moved forward, his eyes slowly moved from Lexie to his girlfriend. He awkwardly cleared his throat. The next words that left his mouth crushed any hope Lexie had. 

“ _ Thank you for your candor, Dr. Grey. _ ”

_ Dr. Grey.  _ He only called her Dr. Grey when he was mad. Lexie’s face grew even more pale, if that was possible, as she watched them leave together. Mark shuffled so there was more distance from him and his girlfriend. Lexie took in a deep breath and shook her head. 

_ She had fucked up. _

That’s how Lexie’s life had come to this moment. The moment where she was pinned between the ground and 17 tons of jet wing. Mark stared at her with tears in his eyes and horror made his complexion pale. She almost found it amusing how just a few nights ago she had worn that expression. 

At least Mark hadn’t been dying at that moment. 

The moment Mark had dropped down once more, took her hand, and started to stroke her hair she knew. This time Lexie Grey really was dying. There was no plugging the holes left by bullet wounds or somehow finding her missing arm to fix it. Lexie was going to die in the middle of the Idaho woods. He looked desperate. He looked like someone had reached inside of his chest and pulled his heart out. 

Maybe Lexie had somewhere along the way. 

“I love you,” Mark’s voice made her eyes open again. She felt so much pain with every breath she took, she knew she was getting lethargic and soon-- very soon-- she would die. Yet Mark’s voice, his confession, had her grasping for some type of life. 

Lexie’s lips twitched upwards. “I-I heard.” She teased. 

Mark sobbed, his hands shaking against her head. “I-I love you, okay so you can’t go, Lex. You can’t go. Because we-we have to get married and buy a house, have kids. Eh?”

“Give...Give Sofia brothers and sisters?” Lexie asked softly, hissing as the numbness spread higher up her body. She had heard people die before, had comforted patients who simply couldn’t take anymore but she had never felt their pain. Lexie felt like she was constantly being stabbed. 

Mark nodded feverishly. “Y-Yes! So you have to stick around, okay? Because we’re supposed to end up together.” His words would be a nice dream. Maybe Lexie wouldn’t end up in a nightmare, maybe she would get a nice dream where she lives another life with Mark Sloan. “ _ We’re meant to be. _ ”

Lexie stared into his eyes, she needed to say it back but she couldn’t get enough air to do so. It felt like all her muscles were clenching up, the ground beneath her becoming soft as pillows and the wing no longer there. She clenched his hand one last time as she pushed the words out: “ _ Mean to be. _ ” And she let go.

Lexie Grey would wait for Mark Sloan a little while longer...


End file.
